Heaven and Hell all at the same time

Wow, I haven't posted here in a while...First off, Christmas was really nice. This was the first year in about 3 that I haven't come home feeling completely overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF Jake received. Santa did great this year...really good toys that he really enjoys...Megan got some good baby stuff too..and again, not too much..just right! Christmas is always such a crazy time for us. We always have 3 places to go...My dad's, my mom's and then Pete's family. It really is fun, but a little overwhelming at times. This year because of the hecticness of it all, we ended up missing out on 2 Christmas dinners...We left mom's too early to enjoy turkey there, and arrived at Pete's mom's house too late to enjoy honey baked ham. Go figure.
So back to my title...Heaven and Hell. Well that's what the last 4, but especially the last 2 months have been. Heaven because I've got be home with my 2 beautiful kids...got to experience being a stay at home mom. I have loved every minute of it and I would not trade it for anything. But it's been Hell too. These last 2 months have been extremely difficult financially. We've had to pinch every penny possible (and then some). And then right when you think things couldn't get any worse..... Bam! Something else throws you for a loop. I don't want to whine, or to make anyone feel sorry for me...I'm really just venting here. It really has been Hellacious. Hell also because it's all ending here very soon. I have to go back to work in a week. We need me to go back to work. We needed me to go back 2 months ago....but *OH* I am dreading it! I am seriously freaking out about it. In fact just writing this, is making me want to stop, so I don't have to think about it anymore. It was hard when I went back to work after having Jake...but this time feels 10 times worse. I don't know what it is. Maybe because with Jake I didn't really know what I'd be missing...or maybe it was a relief in a way...you know to have some sort of normalcy after my "life" being rocked by this little being I was now responsible for. What I wouldn't give to be here...at home...being a mommy, listening to all the back talk, whining, crying and poopy diapers, and then the hugs, kisses, smiles and baby coos all day long. But I guess it's back to reality. Back to getting up at 5am. Back to hour long commutes. Back to actually getting dressed! Pajama's are clothes...you can not disagree with that!